I'm Back!!!!

Hmmmm, so what was I saying?..........

I know, it's been waaay too long, but sometimes a break is just what we need.

Since my last post, I have done my course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and I'm so glad I did. My lovely therapist Joanna has helped me identify quite a lot of negative thinking that has developed over the years, and which I'm hanging on to out of habit. I've managed to start the work needed to change some of those habits, and I hope I'll carry on. Though I don't for a minute think it will all disappear, it helps to look at things from a different perspective.

I have also started an Open University course; because I get Council Tax Benefit, I'm able to not only get the course paid for, but also get a small grant towards extra books, travel to tutorials etc. I chose the Arts & Humanities Foundation Course, The Arts Past & Present, and, so far, am really enjoying it, though it was a bit of a shock at first. I've submitted my first assignment, and, yesterday, went to Croydon College for the day school, which consisted of 4 hour long tutorials. I hope it will start helping me to focus, and give my days a little bit more structure, and also, help towards one day being able to get back in to work, even if I do only want to work part-time, so watch this space.

I have also been dieting more seriously than before, and, since Christmas, I've lost the 8lbs I put on over Christmas (lol!), and almost another stone besides, so I hope I can keep going on that too.

Ok, that's all for now, be back soon!!!

XX

Global What?.....

So conspicuous consumption, recycling, re-purposing and re-using is something which I think about quite a lot; I try as much as possible to reduce my wastage, and dispose of things I no longer need in as responsible a manner as possible.


Freecycle is a great means of passing things on that you no longer use: it's a good place to look if there's something you need as well, particularly if you have children. All too often, they grow out of clothes before they wear them out, so being able to pass them on to others means people can get as much use as possible out of them. Not only does it keep things from being thrown in to landfill unnecessarily, but it can also help those who can't always afford to buy everything new. Click on the link and look to see if there's a freecycle group in your area; if not, why not think about starting one?


I also like the idea of re-purposing and recycling, and the internet is a mine of information; one site I visit occasionally for ideas is How Can I Recycle This? which has all sorts of suggestions; some more amusing than others (olive stones? What?) Also Recycle More, which gives loads of info, including recycling sites near you and what they will accept. Instructables is not strictly a re-purposing site, but a lot of the ideas reuse ordinary things, like this headboard:






made by Jessy, out of book covers: click on the photo to go to her website, but check out the rest of Instructables as well.


For my own part, I hate throwing anything away, so have boxes of old clothes/bags/jumpers etc that I intend to unpick and reuse the bits of fabric that no longer have holes in them, the zips, buttons, wool etc. I'm gradually getting round to it.


While I was ill, I spent quite a bit of time watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I've never watched it right from the beginning, so thought now as good a time as any), and madly shredding junk mail and other paper rubbish to make these:




Which I know look as if they are slightly singed already, but, honestly, it's just a trick of the light!


I'll explain all next time.


XX

Days Gone Bye...

Yet again, I apologise for not posting; this time because of illness. Twice. Thankfully, neither of them were of the piggy variety, but they knocked me for a loop, that's for sure.


First, I had some kind of bug, which left me feeling so tired, achy and lethargic, that I could barely be bothered to even walk about, so I spent a lot of time sleeping, and lying on the sofa watching VERY bad TV.


I then started to get over that, but got hit by a bad bout of the Black Dog, which is basically a metaphor made famous by Winston Churchill, to describe his depression.


So here is where I make my confession. I live with depression. On good days, I hate the saying "I suffer from depression", because of it's negativity, and because it seems, to me, to imply something that has an end, a cure. I know that there is no cure, at the moment, for my depression; I can medicate, and control it as best as possible, by certain behaviours, but it will always be there. And it always threatens to turn every day into hell.


Now, I know there will be people reading this, who will say, "I understand exactly what you mean, I've felt like that", and for some, it may be true. But the 'blue' feeling we all get sometimes, when you feel a bit down, and just want to eat chocolate and watch sad movies, is nothing like the reality of living with depression.


I characterise my depression more like a deep, dark, pit, which I slowly slide into, my hands scrabbling at the sides, until my nails are broken and covered in the slimy ooze that is slowly sucking me down. It starts off with me just feeling a little 'down', and then gradually gets worse, and worse, until I cannot see anything worth living for; I hate myself, regard my life as a waste, and don't care how anyone would describe depression, because nothing matters, except a hope for a quiet, peaceful end of existence.


I don't contemplate suicide; for one thing, that would require energy I just don't have. I do hope that I can fall asleep and never wake up, and sometimes, I have bouts of crying, sobs that are wrenched out of me, until my throat and chest ache, and I just want an end to it.


This can last for a few hours, days or even weeks, I never know until it is over. Unfortunately, depression is also a symptom of menopause, so I suppose I should expect to get bouts more often because of that, too. I take medication, but have been waiting for an appointment with the psychiatry dept at the hospital to discuss some other form of therapy, which I hope will help me fight off the Black Dog pushing me into the pit.


Thankfully, the worst of the feelings lift eventually, until I am left with something that resembles normality, as I know it. I live to breathe another day, and try to find the best in whatever I have. And sometimes, I succeed.


On a cheerier note, as I started to feel better, I decided to make some ice lollies to help with the heat. I love ice cream and sorbet, but don't love the amount of sugar that's in them, so I occasionally make my own. This time, all I did was puree fresh mango and a small tin of pineapple, including the juice. I froze it in a plastic container, then tipped it out into a bowl, mashed it up again, transferred it to ice lolly moulds, and popped it back in to the freezer.




I don't regard myself as a 'girly' girl (though some others have, strangely, described me as such), but I love these moulds. Can't remember where I got them, and I don't use them as often as I should, but they're sooo cute. And they have a built in straw thing to drink the excess juice! How cool is that!


See you soon


XX

Nucleus

This morning TTO & I went to one of our favourite cafe haunts, the New Arts Centre Cafe aka Nucleus in Chatham High Street. TTO goes there every week on Thurs mornings, as he meets up with some writing friends; I tag along every now and again, but, if I could, I'd be going almost every day, particularly in lovely sunny weather like we had today.


NAC is a secret gem, hidden down an alley off the High Street. The first indication that it's there, is the huge sculpture on the wall:




with this sculpture on the opposite side of the alley, on top of a shop:






Once you turn in to the alley, you can easily see the cafe; there are tables and chairs outside, all the better to enjoy the sunny weather




They also have folding doors at the front of the cafe that they open in good weather, which is perfect for fair-skinned damsels like me :-)


Inside, it's a combination of squishy chairs and sofas for lounging, or tables and chairs for dining



with a corner for internet access, and, of course, the food bit!




The majority of the food is made by the staff, not just sandwiches, baguettes etc, but also soups, chilli's, pasta, and some lovely cakes.


This morning, I had a large cappuccino, with a piece of homemade cherry cake; TTO had lemon cake. Sorry I didn't get a photo of it, but it didn't hang around on my plate long enough!


I love it, because it's so comfortable; you really feel as if you could hang around and relax. Because it's part of the Nucleus Arts Centre, there is local art displayed on the walls, and you can also visit the gallery next door to the cafe when they have exhibitions.


TTO, myself and Marilyn, one of TTO's friends from his writing group, were once lucky enough to be invited by local artist Peter Reeds, to view his studio space, and some of the work he had finished or was working on. I had seen some of Peters work before, as he has some exhibits at the Brook theatre, and it was a privilege to meet someone I already admired, and to see his working space. Next time you're near the Brook, pop in and check out the paintings upstairs.


XX

I Love....

Another day, another chance to let you know about some sites I love, for various different reasons.


Before that, though, I must share with you 2 major problems I have with working at my computer:

Beckett is nearly 2 years old, and is very noisy and lively, unless he's asleep, and when he wants attention, you really know about it! He has been known to jump on to the computer table and just paw at your face until you give him what he wants. He's named after Sam Beckett, but not the playwright. More about that in another post.

Holly, on the other hand, has perfected the art of THE STARE. Loud displays or begging are beneath her; she has the power to demand by thought, and uses it whenever appropriate. Holly was a rescue cat; I got her nearly 2 years ago, when my previous cat Tuppence died suddenly, and I wanted a companion for the new kitten (Beckett) I was soon to be getting.


I was planning on getting a younger cat, about 3 or 4 years, but 11 year old Holly followed me around the Cats Protection League as I was looking around, and once I read in her details that she had been there for over a year, since her previous owner had died, I couldn't say no.

So now you've met my greatest distractions (even more powerful than TTO: at least I can, occasionally say no to him )


But back to business, and some sites I would like to share.

The first one is a bit serious, but soooo useful, especially if, like me, you're constantly trying to chugg along through life on a low tank.


MoneySavingExpert has loads of advice for anyone who is in debt, wants advice about where to get the best deals on products, savings, investments etc. The forums are also a great source of info and tips; links to freebies and money off coupons are posted regularly. TTO and I have seen a few movies previewed free, and I've got loads of samples and coupons, so it's definately worth a look, and an explore.


Astronomy Picture of the Day, however, is all about WOW. Every day, a new picture is posted, with an explanation written by a professional astronomer. The images vary, from deep space,




to amazing earth-based pictures,

even diagrams

every time, with a little information about what it is. The pictures are amazing, and the info is interesting; all guaranteed to start your day with a lift, in a humbling kind of way.


Finally, anyone who has cats (and every one else, of course) should have a quick look at icanhascheesburger.com. The grammatically incorrect comments can get a little tedious at times, but for complete and utter cuteness, it is one of the best. If you need cheering up at any time, then follow the link; I defy you not to smile, even just inwardly.


Have a great day


XX

If a Job's Worth Doing...

I always have a bit of a dilemma when it comes to summer; a part of me absolutely loves the sun, but being fair-skinned, I cannot say that my complexion feels the same way. As I have (frequently) been heard to say, I am the only person I know who managed to get sunburnt, in England, in February. I kid you not.


However, I also enjoy gardening, so I've been trying to make the most of the recent not so sunny weather to catch up on some work in the garden. Today, it was a job I had been dreading, which was re-digging the Green Cone site. I love my Green Cone, would recommend it to anyone who has a garden and have been using it faithfully for a few years now; as a result, combined with all the recycling, I now only put out 1 black sack a fortnight. Admittedly, there is only me and the cats in permanent residency, with TTO staying a few times a week, but nonetheless, I'm proud of the achievement.


Unfortunately, though, when I originally dug the hole for the Green Cone, with the help of Weasley, we didn't quite dig deep enough, so the lip of the cone itself was level with the ground instead of under it. And over the years, the level dropped enough for me to recognise I needed to redo it.


Words cannot describe the horror. I must stress again, this is a wonderful device, and it works well, but, if you do ever get one, make sure you site it properly, and dig the hole properly, so it's EMPTY at the time.


At least the flower bed got dug at the same time, and I have now re-sited my rhubarb plant, so it might actually grow this time, and I've planted the peony I bought a while back. If any of my cuttings take, there's a place for them now, as well.


Just so you don't have the Green Cone image in your head for the rest of the day, here's a pic of my lovely Holly, risking life and limb, asleep on the edge of the footcube I made:


A life without cats just ain't worth livin'


XX

Time Marching

So one of the other things that has happened in the last couple of weeks, was TTO reaching (nay, stumbling indiscriminately into) his 40th birthday.


Now, I try as much as possible to live by the philosophy that you're as old as you feel, age is but a number, etc, etc, but to many people, it cannot be denied, being 40 feels IMPORTANT. I reached the mythical figure a few years ago, and I have found it a little harder to ignore my age since then, even though, as a general rule, I succeed.


So I was a little daunted at the thought of what TTO might be going through; birthdays for both of us are generally a pleasant but quiet time. He had already firmly declined his parents suggestion of a party, though accepted their invitation to go out to dinner. I marked the days with bated breath.


In the end, the day came and went, with nothing untoward happening, of course. Human beings put so much store on events that really are just random; why should a 40th birthday be any different than the others before it? It makes me remember my 5th birthday; it's the only time I've ever woken up on my birthday, and actually felt older, as if I'd grown overnight. I can still remember the feeling today, lying in my bed, wiggling my toes, as if they were further away from my head than they had been when I fell asleep the night before.


I decided to make birthday pressies for TTO; not only do I not have an awful lot of money, but I wanted to give something a little more personal. A couple of years ago, he bought a wonderful old smoking jacket in quilted burgundy from a stall in Camden, and I always thought he needed a smoking cap to go with it, so made him this:




For a first attempt at sewing for a few years, I was very pleased with it. It wasn't easy attaching the two crown parts, and I was pleased with the lining as well, except I had to machine hem it, as the iron-on interfacing I bought, wouldn't. But I was happy with it, and TTO loved it, which was the main thing (though he did say he wouldn't be wearing it out of the house, as he valued his life too much. I took this as a reflection on the area we live in, rather than my handiwork.)


I also did a painting, which I feel a little too sensitive about to show you all; I must hasten to add, it doesn't depict anything shocking, it's just that painting is not something I have done much of, and it is a little too much of me to display too openly.


Well, people, time to go for now; 2 cats to feed so we can all settle down for the evening. TTO is at his place tonight, so I have the opportunity to indulge in the TV that he doesn't normally choose to watch. Tonight, I'll be settling down in front of Fred Astaire and Rita Hayworth in 'You Were Never Lovelier'. I love old movies, particularly the clothes, and, of course, approve of Rita Hayworth, a fellow redhead.


Aahh, but now I think I have revealed too much again. Bye for Now,


XX